I've Never Heard THAT Song.

A couple of my 4th graders wanted to sing a song for me today.  It went like this:

O give me a home where the buffalo roam

And the deer and the antelope play

Where solemn is heard and the birds need the Word

And the clouds are just cloudy all day.

O, home on the range

Where the deer and the antelope play

Where solemn is heard and the birds need the Word

And the clouds are just cloudy all day.

Severe Weather?...Or Not.

Today in my 5th grade Science class, the following exchange happened:

Me:  "Each student will choose a type of severe weather..."
T: "I get 'volcano!'"
Me:  "Um.  A volcano is not weather."
Class: *blank stares*
Me:  "When was the last time you looked outside and said, 'hmm....looks like volcanic eruptions today.'?"
N:  "Ms. Roach!  You tell the funniest jokes!"

Seriously??

Um...EEEWWW!

My fourth and fifth graders are unusually interested in what I eat for lunch.  They are often alarmed that I eat characters from Veggie Tales and always concerned that I don't have any ranch dip.  (They just don't understand how anyone could like "naked" vegetables.)  They are sometimes fascinated, like when I bring a whole green pepper and bite into it just like an apple, and sometimes grossed-out...like today.

There I am, minding my own, enjoying my lunch when I hear, "Ms. Roach! WHAT are you eating?"

Me: "Green beans."
A: "Why are you eating them with your fingers?"
Me: "Because they are raw."
L: "EEEEEEEWWWWW!"
Me: "What do you mean 'ew'? You don't like green beans?"
L: "Not raw! I only like them cooked with mayonnaise on them."
Me: "um.....eeewww!"


Seriously...that can't be normal.

How God Answers Prayer...According to 9 Year Olds

The other day we had a lesson on prayer that included what prayer is, who can pray, how to pray and how God answers our prayers.  This lesson was followed up by a worksheet for homework.  The last question on said worksheet was:

What answers might God give  to your prayers?

Here is how my fourth grade students answered that question:

"Yes."       "No."      "Wait."     "Maybe."      "You are a very lucky little girl."      "OK."      "I will think about it."        "Give Me some time."       "Wait and see."         "It's good to be thankful."


Sometimes...they crack me up.

Violated Airspace!

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day but this post is not about Martin Luther King Jr.  Instead, this is part of my "A Moment from Mondays Gone By" series...where I re-post a favorite story or in this case, share a favorite memory.

As I was running errands today, I happened upon a small community football field.  What surprised me the most is that it was empty.  See, when I was a kid, if we had had a day like today...no school, no snow, dry ground, blue sky, 40 some degrees...the neighborhoods would have been crawling with kids.  We would have been all over that field!  That makes me sad.

Moving on.


Part of my growing up years were spent in a trailer park.  Don't judge.  Our lot was the main hang-out for all the park kids.  We had a great sledding/biking hill with a bridge over the irrigation ditch; an amazing log fort; materials for building epic bike jumps; AND an empty lot next door.  Our lot was separated from the empty one by a deer fence, which had started out about 3 feet high but had been pushed down for easier access.  However, the grass that had grown up through the fence was at least 3 feet high.  Anyway, this lot was used for football, soccer and Frisbee.

The problem was the neighbor on the other side of the lot.  She was a witch.  She ate children.  If you looked her in the eye, you would be paralyzed and she would put curses on you.  Actually, some of that might not be true but we weren't about to take chances.  I don't actually remember ever seeing her but I have distinct memories of being yelled at.  And we never got our ball or Frisbee back when they went over the fence.

So, there we were...enjoying a "no school" day...playing football.  Suddenly, the ball veers off course...15 or so kids freeze...there is a collective "gasp" as the ball crosses the plane of her lot...multiple voices yell, "VIOLATED AIRSPACE!!"...15 or so kids run-jump-dive-roll-slide into our lot and hide behind the grass until the coast is clear.  Then 10 or so kids brave enough to continue, scrounged up another ball while everyone else went and hid in their own yards or houses.  It was so much fun!  But then again, any experience that could be followed-up by the phrase "We almost died." is a winner in my book.

I wish all kids could have that experience!

Hallmark Movie Quote

"How could you do this?"

"I was mad."

"At the school?"

"At my parents."

"So why didn't you spray paint them?"

Random Thoughts Regarding Oysters

Ok.  For those of you who do not know...I don't eat seafood.  I eat most fish...just not all those other things found in the sea.  Some are squishy.  Some are slimy.  Some are simply too bug-like to stomach.  But the oyster is in a category all its own.  In fact, if I were to write a dictionary, this would be my entry for "oyster."



oys*ter   |oi-ster|    noun     An uber-gelatinous substance that looks like it came out of an infant's nose that some guy, who was starving to the point of having already digested several of his own internal organs, picked up one day and said, "Huh. This looks good."


That is all.

Can I See Some IQ?

A: "Is this class pass or fail?"
Me: "Yep.  Leaning more towards fail at the moment..."

Here Comes the Bride...

OK.  Everyone just CALM DOWN...  I am not getting married.


But now that I have your attention, let me tell you what I learned from a fifth grader today.






Science Question:  What is an example of how thermal expansion affects our everyday life?


Student Answer:  A bride. It has joints and when it is hot, they can swell, but when it is cold they come back together and it doesn't come apart.




Um....OK.....

While that IS true, I think she meant to say "bridge".

Weed Whackers...Aisle Nine.

While standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed the lady behind me.  Why, you ask?  She had plastic eyelashes.

Plastic. Eyelashes.

Not regular false lashes where you can at least see some lash definition.  These were...well....Mr. Potato Head lashes.  They looked like plastic eyelash mittens.  Or Saul Rubinek's eyebrows.

So, there I am...covertly staring...trying not to laugh and biting my tongue to keep from asking the obvious questions...

Do you have a mirror at your house?

What are you pet caterpillers' names??

Your neck can bench press HOW much???

I know.  I need therapy.

Is My Head Really THAT Small??

The first time I realized that I had a small head was while in college.  I was still living at home and my dad had salvaged some football helmets from a middle school thinking that my mom could use them in the dress-up area of her preschool.  My younger brothers were trying to put them on but they weren't going over anyone's ears.  I grabbed one and went to set it on my head...we were all quite surprised when the helmet plopped down to my shoulders.  And even more surprised when I could turn my head back and forth...without the helmet moving.


Now, fastforward a few years...as you know from my previous post, I am in need of glasses.  I have had my exam and yesterday (Black Friday) I went shopping for frames.  I took a friend with me and we went to four different places. During the course of the first three, we learned what shapes and colors to stay away from.  However, when we got to the fourth place, some of those shapes and colors were suddenly working.  Then I noticed that they seemed smaller.  So we went to the youth/kids area and suddenly everything is looking good...  Anyway, seems I have a lot more options on what looks good when the glasses actually fit my face.


That being said, I am buying a pair on Monday.

Word of the Day

Today has been brought to you by the word "disintegrated" and the word "horizonical"....which needed to be disintegrated...

Jury Duty

I had jury duty yesterday.  This was my first time...I usually get out of the summons but this time I just postponed it until school got out.  So, I had no idea what to expect.

I woke up at 5:00am and left the house at 6:10am since I didn't know where I was going or how long it would take me to get there.  I ended up being perfect on my timing, arriving at the courthouse just 10 minutes prior to the 7:30am deadline.  It also put me in the first 25% of the jurors who were able to go through security without problem as opposed to the latter 75% who arrived between 7:30 and 8:00 and didn't get checked in until 8:30 or 9:00.

They started to assign us to groups by 9:30 or so and I found myself Juror #24 in the Purple Group.  But then I also found that I was Juror # 36 in the Red Group.  At first they told me that the computer thought I was two different people.  Umm. Ok.  But after the third or fourth person was assigned to the Purple and Red Group they realized it was a computer error.  A computer error that they have never had happen before.  And I'm thinking, "Great.  Everyone is going to think that this is my fault.  The one time that I actually have jury duty and the computer malfunctions."  I'm not making this up.  Anyway, they take all of the purple and red ticket back and after a few minutes they are re-assigned.  Now I am in no group.

A little after 11:00, the Yellow Group is given a 5-minute warning that their baliff is on the way and they should get ready.  It was very amusing watching 72 adults try to put themselves in numeric order....and then count...in numeric order.  Took them a couple of tries.  As soon as they left, an announcement is made that they need 35 juror...immediately.  I am now Juror #17 in the Hot Pink Group.  We are not given any time to get ready as our baliff was already there.  We go through the selection process and I am sitting on a jury panel.

It is a criminal case...marijuana...possession and possession with intent to distribute.  We had enough time to hear opening remarks and the prosecution's first witness before we broke for lunch.  About half-way through the second witness, I decided I better keep track of how often the prosecuting attorney said, "A moment of the court's indulgence."  I counted thirteen times...that is thirteen times that he got lost in his notes, couldn't find a note or just plain couldn't figure out what to say next. 

Then there were his "asked and answered" moments.  Like this one: PA: "Who are you imployed by?" W: "Prince George's County Police Department, eight years."  PA: "How long have you been there?"  W: "...uh...eight years."  Some of these were met with "objection" but others just slid by the defense attorney...or were ignored.  Personally, I think the defense attorney could have been the poster boy for the slogan "I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you."  He looked completely bored through the whole trial.  He wasn't the only one...the security officer was so bored...HE...FELL...ASLEEP.  I kid you not.  Head against the wall, eyes closed, mouth open.   Thankfully he was not snoring...I would not have been able to rein in the giggles. 

Then the defense attorney stepped up to the plate.  In his opening remarks he was adamant that we know his client by name..."This is Devin...not 'the defendant'".   Yet every other time he referred to him, he called him "Kevin"...I guess it's close...it...rhymes.  And he kept getting his facts messed up.

There were so many mistakes and inconsistencies on both sides that it was hard to keep track of them all. 

So get to the deliberation portion of the schedule.  There is one juror who (reluctantly) tells us that this type of marijuana does not have a potent enough smell to rouse the suspicion of the cops...so they must be lying.   (Uh...OK.)   Another juror is sure that the cops are lying because when they gave their testimony and were asked, "On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the strongest, how strong was the smell of marijuana coming from the car?" one of the officers said "8" and the other one said "10"...so their stories didn't match.  (Seriously?)  Several of the jurors were convinced that Devin was smart and a smart person wouldn't consent to a search knowing that there were drugs in the car.  (I work with Junior High students that are smart enough to know that if you want someone to think that you are innocent of wrong-doing...you have to act like you are innocent...I mean COME ON!)  AND...everyone is talking at the same time.

Now, those of you that know me, know that I very often have something to say but I will rarely fight to be heard.  However, the forewoman was one of those people and she wanted to hear what I thought...was he innocent or guilty.  And here is the most difficult part of the whole experience.

He very well could be guilty.  I have no idea.  But I do know that they didn't prove that he was guilty.  The chain of evidence report stapled to the bag of marijuana didn't even have Devin/Kevin's name on it...it had one of his passenger's name as the owner of the drugs.  One of the reports had the wrong date for the incident.  There were no fingerprints taken from the bags of marijuana...even though they have that ability.  There was no cruiser cam video of the incident...even though they have that ability as well.  They proved that the marijuana was in his car but they did not prove that he "knew" about it or that he had the "intention of participating in the mutual enjoyment and use" of it.  When I was done speaking...there was a moment of silence as they all stared at me...then someone said, "ok.  Let's vote." 

I wouldn't mind doing it again but I can see that the experience could be very different...depending on the type of case you were assigned to.

Your Guess Is as Good as Mine...or Not...

I took a group of middle school students to New York for three days last week.  We had a blast!  The first day we spent the afternoon in lower Manhattan and at one point we passed a construction project.  One of the kids ran up to where I was and asked,

T: Ms. R...what is that?
Me: A building.
T: I know they are building a building but what is it going to be?
Me: How would I know?  I don't live here. Your guess is as good as mine.
T: I think it is a car factory.
(ok.  maybe not as good as mine...)
Me: It's probably not a car factory...considering we are in the middle of the financial district of New York City...
T: Oh, true, true.  Maybe it's a banana factory.

There is a moment of complete silence since I initially have no idea how to respond to this comment...

Me: A banana factory??
T: Yeah.  At least that way they don't have to melt the metal.
Me: How are they going to grow the bananas in that building?
T: Oh.  yeah.  I forgot you grow bananas.

The Perks of Still Having Tonsils...

I woke up this morning with a sore throat.  Both of my tonsils are swollen (yes, I still have my tonsils) as well as my uvula.  My second thought was, "Yeah! I can have ice cream today!"  (My first though was just plain, "Ugh.") So I start off my day with some coconut and pineapple Haagen Dazs ice cream.  My friend M told me that someone told her that "Haagen Dazs" was Swedish for "heart attack."



It's probably true.


Later, I had some Ben & Jerry's Phish Food...which I figure was more a more marketable name than "Sleep with the Fishes."


Right before bed I'm going for the raspberry sherbert...it's fat free.

Overheard Bits and Pieces

Today in Mrs. E's 7th grade Science class she was asked the following:

T: "If the sun is made up of that much helium...how come it doesn't foat away?"

(My immediate response was, "While saying, 'Bon Voyage" in a high, chipmunky voice...?'")



Sometimes you just have to shake your head and roll your eyes.

Pet Peeve

I have a pet peeve.  Well, I have several, actually, but I am only going to talk about one...



...people who drive their spiffy sports cars...10 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT!! 


I mean...COME ON!...I'm not asking you to break the sound barrier or anything...just go the speed limit.  Seriously!  It doesn't look right.  On the one had you are driving a machine that says, "Look at me...I am flashy...I am powerful...mere mortals wish they were me..." but your speed screams, "Look at me...I am in your way...I am inept...mere mortals would run me over if it were legal..."  What? Do you think that you need to go slow so that everyone can get a better look of you in your retirement fund?  Time to get over yourself...  Accelerate.  (It's the pedal on the right.)

Todays rant is brought to you by a 45-minute commute.

The Word of the Day

Today's word-of-the-day is brought to you by my 7th grade Algebra class.

The word is: 22th (pronounced Twenty-tooth)

Out of the Orange Excerpt
*slap* "When you're slapped by a woman you'll take it and you'll like it!" *slap* *slap*

Humphrey Bogart in the Maltese Falcon

I'm Part Leprechaun...

I know it is not a Monday but I am sharing a memory in honor of St. Patrick's Day. 

The students that are currently in my sixth grade class are the same students that were in kindergarten the year I was Mrs. Jackson's (kindergarten) assistant.  It was a difficult year for me.  Mostly because I have a difficult time teaching foundational knowledge that needs to be learned by rote.  Playing and interacting with them was great but teaching them "short vowel sounds" and "counting to one hundred"...not my thing.

On St. Patrick's Day I decided to pull their leg a little...ok...a lot.  While Mrs. Jackson took them upstairs to visit the bake sale, I stayed behind to set the stage.  First, I locked the door, opened the emergency exit window and knocked over a few chairs.  Then I took $5.00 in pennies and scattered them all over the room and put a blue marble in each student's pencil box.  Finally, I stood at the door, listening for their return.  When I heard them outside the door, I started yelling, "Stop! No! What do you think you are doing? I'm not letting you go! You're mine now! etc."  Mrs. Jackson tries to come in and finds the door locked and starts pounding on the door yelling, "Ms. Janet?  What's going on?  Are you ok?" (She's was always ready to play along with my schemes...plus she had plenty of her own!)

I finally come and open the door and I stand there, disheveled and gasping for air.  I had never seen that class so quiet or their eyes so huge.  They didn't say anything.  Mrs. Jackson asks me what happened and I gasp out, "There...(gasp)...was a...(gasp)...Leprechaun...(gasp)"

The kids came into the room...sort of (they pretty much stayed by the door at first) and I told them what happened.  "I was going with you to the bake sale but I heard a noise in the classroom so I went back and there he was...just standing there...a Leprechaun.  I knew that if I could catch him he would have to give me his gold so I locked the door and chased him around the room.  He kept tripping over the chairs so I was able to grab him as he was trying to go out the emergency window.  But then he got loose.  He got away but I tore a hole in his money bag and his gold spilled all over the room!"

The kids still haven't said a word.

"You can keep whatever you can find..."  They still don't say anything but they do start scrambing around collecting pennies.

Finally, one boy asks, "What was he doing here?"

"I don't know," I said, "but I saw him messing with some pencil boxes."

They all make a run for their pencil boxes and discover little blue balls of glass.  "He left us this."

I gasp loudly and then, in my best "hushed-whisper-of-awe" voice I say, "Do....you....know...what...that...is??  That is an Imagination Ball!  The legends say that as long as you have an Imagination Ball you will have an ammmmmaaaaazzzzzing imagination!"

Soft "oohs" and "aahs" from the kids.


Now, I probably should have stopped here.  But no.  One of the kids says, "How do you know about the Imagination Ball?"

"I'm part Leprechaun.  Because my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was a Leprechaun."

"No, he wasn't."

"Yes, he was.  His name was Littleberry Roach...and if that's not a Leprechaun name, I don't know what is."

"You mean your great-grandpa was green?!"

"Real Leprechauns aren't green...that's just in the movies.  Real Leprechauns look just like everybody else...they just have special skills."

"Do you have special skills?"

"Yes.  I can tell good stories and I can make people laugh."

GASP "It's true you guys!! She tells good stories!"

A Hallmark Moment

Ok. This is another installment of the "Out of the Orange" series of humorous one liners (remember...not all one liners are actually one line...).

Hallmark Movie

          "How could you do this?"

          "I was mad."                      

                 "At the school?"

          "At my parents."                    

"So why didn't you spray paint them?"

*snicker*